Welcome to the Freakshow

Ladies and Gentlemen! Magis and Miscreants! Perverts and Pedophiles! Welcome to the Freak Show! Whether this is your first year to step into the ring or your sixth, the year should be full of exceptional highs, demoralizing lows and everything in between.

No doubt, most of you spent the summer in a drunken stupor under the shade of a poolside umbrella.

Fine.

But I’m a journalist-in-training.

I spent my mornings naked on the front porch with a pot of coffee, a pack of cigarettes, a pile of newspapers and a pair of sunglasses. The result is ruined lungs, high blood pressure and information-overload. For your benefit, as well as mine, highlights of the summer need to be covered so we may have a graceful start to the year.

The first disappointment was the arrival of 6.6.06. If memory serves me well, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.

It appears I’ll have to continue waiting for the apocalypse I so desperately crave. In the meantime, I’ll play my Bible on CD, narrated by James Earl Jones of course, and have the stereo set for repeat on Revelations.

A topic I will be forced to return to numerous times this coming school year is the recent creation of a party dedicated to making pedophilia legal. From the folks who brought you legal potent drugs and prostitutes, comes the next big craze.

The Naastenliefde, Vrijheid en Diversiteit party, which means love, freedom and diversity, was officially christened this summer in the Netherlands. The party hopes to legalize sex between adults and children by lowering the legal age from 16 to 12 and then phasing out any barriers completely.

Founder Ad van den Berg said forbidding children to have intercourse makes them “all the more curious,” according to an article in the Washington Times, and said raising children includes introducing them to sex.

On the other side of the pond, the American people once again declared that of all the freedoms the government can impede on, there are four you do not mess with: money, drugs, guns and sex.

God, I love this country.

President Bush witnessed a vicious backlash from the media for helping promote an amendment to the constitution to ban gay marriages. It was said to be an election year distraction and the vote before the Senate in June predictably failed 46 to 48. It needed 60 votes, none of which seem eagerly forthcoming.

Even closer to home, health-nut Gov. Mike Huckabee, witnessed his legislative baby born July 25 with the enactment of a ban on all smoking nearly everywhere in the state. Many money-weighed hippies in the state cheered our governor’s efforts to look like he can actually do something.

The act, however, is a direct attack on every decent person in the state. What sadistic demon wants to prevent late-night socialites and grave-yard shift employees from enjoying a cup of coffee and a cigarette at Waffle House at 2 a.m.? Huckebee has since seen fierce opposition to his “backdoor” decision, including several lawsuits.

I pray to the gods Huckabee runs for president. I will do everything in my power to see that he fails worse than Dennis Kucinich.

Many deaths this summer. Most notable for many college students was the passing of Syd Barrett. Freaks around the country gave a 21-acid tab salute.

Kenneth Lay successfully faked his own death and is now trading songs and jokes with Elvis Presley and Andy Kaufman in a compound outside Las Vegas. Jimmy Hoffa serves as the group’s driver to and from select bars.

Yep, this year looks like it’s going to be a hoot. I’m fully armed and prepared. I recommend the rest of you hide your younger siblings, participate in civil disobedience by smoking in the faces of a family eating in a crowded restauran, and perform random homosexual acts.

After all, aren’t these supposed to be the best years of our lives?

Jeff Winkler is a POW from the Battle of Fayettenam. His column appears every Wednesday in the
Arkansas Traveler.

[Original piece available here.]

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