Urine Not My Cup of Tea

The campus is a barren place on a summer evening. Candin and I were the only ones within sight, which is why his behavior was so odd.

I had a drug test coming up and though I never ingest any filth myself, I had been in the company of scallywags who perverted my body with second-hand toxins.

Needless to say, I feared the worst.

Candin looked around suspiciously then told me he had a solution. He wouldn’t tell me, but instead, wrote it down and we walked away quickly.

His solution?

Urotherapy – the practice of drinking your own urine.

I immediately protested after discovering exactly what it entailed. Candin egged me with Fisher-Price psychology saying, “Come on, I thought you tried everything once.”

Any sane person realizes the fallacy in trying to find a purifier for your drug sample by recycling the same crap you fear is living within.

Still, like a good journalist-in-training, I investigated. Numerous Web sites repeated almost verbatim what Candin had said later about urotherapy. According to two websites, http://www.shirleys-wellness-café.com and http://www.dailynewarticles.com as well as Candin, urotherapy cures: Cancer (nonspecific), allergies, autoimmune disease, asthma, infertility, infections, diabetes, acne, hair loss, warts and wrinkles.

This practice apparently goes back centuries – from the Chinese to Indian yogis. It was also prominent here in America during the Carnival years. It was a cure-all called snake oil, sold by quacks.

There are several theories about urotherapy but one basic principle is that the kidneys act as a filter and urine is nothing more than the extra nutrients that your body doesn’t use. All the toxins find another exit.

The amount of urine and how much you dilute it varies, but Candin said he takes his urine shot pure and fasts with water. The result is a body in perfect homostatus because it retains all the nutrients – enzymes, proteins, etc. – the body needs to survive.

This didn’t seem right. I needed a second opinion.

After nearly 20 years of schooling and working hard as a respected nephrologist, Dr. Michael Moulton, spent 30 minutes talking to a student journalist about drinking your own piss. He was surprisingly upbeat considering his current position.

The doc gave a basic rundown of the kidney and filtration process.

“It is true that you clear minerals [and] electrolytes but you also clear toxins. [Your kidney] breaks down proteins with metabolism and the nitrogen from that toxic gets basically stored as urea nitrogen in your blood … called Blood Urea Nitrogen (BUN).”

This urea filters through the kidney and the excess – both nutrients and mostly toxins – goes to your bladder until you piss it out.

While the doc said diluting your urine in small amounts doesn’t harm the body, he said there was absolutely no evidence to suggest that it does any good. Taking only urine, I was assured, will get you violently sick after several days.

The American Cancer Society, while kind to Urotherapy, echoed the reminder that there is no credible evidence that it works.

Kennedy was killed by LBJ and Paul really is dead – I’m well versed in all these conspiracy theories. There’s one, however, I was shocked to hear.

Without provocation, the doc expressed some announce with the fact that when he tries to tell people about the lack of credible science for Urotherapy, people claim there’s a big conspiracy to keep it off the literature.

Years of loving respect were drained when I heard Candin mumble similiar ballyhoo about doctors and insurance companies keeping this from people in order to make money.

Only the Doc said it better with perfect dead-pan humor.

“All drug companies and doctors have to do all day is sit around talking to each other about how to conspire to keep the real cures because we really do just want to see people do terrible and die and steal medicines for profit. We’re all evil.”

Holy moly.

I’m a fan of peer-suggested folk medicine. In Nepal, my friend and I visited houses of ill repute weekly because he said it was good for his heart.

A Mexican acquaintance swore by his soul that some rice powder mixed with water purified the body of alcoholic toxins.

As I write this I have a vicious head cold. Urotherapy might relieve the pain but that’s not my cup of piss. Decongestants might work too but a good friend recommend something he said was based on years of experience. So on a prayer, I’m drinking a strong hot-tottie.

I want relief.

[Original piece available here.]

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