ASG Drinks Freshman’s Blood

The rigors of a journalist-in-training are sometimes brutal affairs. On occasion, I’ve lost several pounds and smoked cartons of cigarettes thanks in part to the stress placed on me by the sadistic editors. As spring break is around the corner, and most of us are too focused on upcoming tests, I’ve decided to forgo my usual attacks and write something of a more light-hearted nature. I cover the ASG meetings for The Traveler and I’ve often fantasized about sneaking a story like the one below, into the paper. The column might be my only chance to do so:

Committee Created By ASG

It was business as usually for ASG Tuesday night with several issues pertaining to the regular maintenance of the senate, as well as a couple of new initiatives designed to promote more interaction with the student body.

The senators and executive members sat down at 6 p.m. to take roll before quickly moving to the “FRESH hogs” ceremony, which is done once a month by the senate.

“‘FRESH hogs’ is something we decided we needed this year in order to create more unity in the senate,” said Treasurer Ryan Marsh. “We pick a freshman – preferably a virgin – and string him or her up in front of the senate. We make a quick slash at the neck and then collect the blood in a giant golden cup that was donated to us by the Board of Trustees in connection with University Programs.”

Marsh said members of the senate pass the cup around and each senator takes a sip before pledging absolute loyalty to Chancellor White.

“It’s just a way for the senate to come together and forget about any differences that might have risen in the last month,” said Marsh. According to the ASG Web site, the ceremony happens at the end of the lunar month.

Following FRESH hogs, President Phil Brick made his weekly address in front of the senate. Brick announced several events that would be happening during Abortion Awareness Month, but after a few short minutes, he said that he had nothing else to report. According to Robert’s Rules of Order, however, the president must stand in front of the senate for no less than seven minutes. Brick spent the remaining four minutes attempting to juggle several pieces of legislation.

“The hardest part was trying to avoid getting hit while doing the actual juggling,” said Brick.

Senators Dwayne Bensing, Megan Cardwell and Robbie Jones threw their laptops at Brick as he attempted to juggle the legislation. No senator was available for comment on the possible allegations that the attack was a partisan one.

After Brick’s seven minutes, Vice-President Roo Litzinger informed the senate of the upcoming Women’s Week that ASG will be sponsoring. Litzinger said that main event will be a “Branson-like,” strip show on Friday, March 30.

“The ‘talent show,’ as we like to call it, will benefit the women who suffer abuse, and most of the money will go to the Betty Jo Kimmel Breast Cancer Foundation. We hope that the event will bring awareness to the many difficulties women face,” said Litzinger, adding that the strip show will include women from ASG, NORML and the Society of Women Engineers. There will also be a separate event the following day for graduate students, professors and faculty, which will include lap dances and peep shows.

A standing ovation concluded Litzinger’s announcement before the senate moved to issues dealing directly with ASG itself.

Chairman Kris Zibert presented the senate with a bill that he authored, proposing the creation of a new committee for the senate. Bill 15 proposed the creation of a committee that would oversee the election of an independent senate committee that would be in charge of the election of members to a judiciary committee. During debate over the bill, Senator Blake Pennington proposed an amendment that would create a committee to evaluate the effectiveness of the committee that would oversee the election of the independent senate committee that would be in charge of the election of members to the judiciary committee. The amendment passed unanimously, and after moving to previous questions, Bill 15 was passed unanimously, viva voca.

The senate floor was then opened up for one-minute speeches before all the senators gathered around in a circle on the senate floor. The senate began to repeat, “Orgy Porgy, Orgy Porgy” quietly at first, then raising their voices higher and higher, until reaching a crescendo. The entire senate then yelled, “Break!” in unison and ASG ended its weekly meeting.

[Original piece available here.]

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